Dear President Trump,
I wanted to take a moment to applaud and thank you for your decision to stick to your promise of building a wall between the United States of America and Mexico. For too long have we Americans had to carry the burden of our neighbors from the south. But I wanted to also draw your attention to our neighbors to the north. As an avid hockey fan, I could not contain my joy when the US Junior National Team defeated the Canadian Junior National Team at the Junior Worlds earlier this month. The game, which will likely be made into a movie, marked the perfect timing for us to flex our muscle. Too long have we stood by quietly while the Wayne Gretzky’s, Patrick Roy’s, and Sidney Crosby’s of this world claimed record after record in our beloved sport. It is time we rise up! By constructing a wall between the USA and Canada, they will be less likely to spy on our kids playing frozen pond hockey in the winters. Their tactical advantage has lasted too long. We must consider building a wall.
Think of the opportunities. The world will no longer crave “Canadian bacon.” With our portly porkers secured on our side of the wall, pig pilfering from those crooked Canadians will finally come to an end. We can start our own American bacon. It will catch fire faster than the “Freedom Fries” that replaced those traitorous “French Fries.”
And speaking of French, I realize now that I studied French both as a first grader and in college. If the French made it all the way to Illinois, which doesn’t even border Canada, imagine what is happening in Minnesota, Washington, and elsewhere across the northern border. We already have too many Americans studying Spanish in school, and since the war in Iraq, Arabic has grown more and more popular. What about our English? It ain’t right. These folks gone done English wrong! Currently, English is only the third most popular language in the world, and Hindi is creeping up fast. Spanish is number two, but with #thewall, they will fall quickly. Arabic is number five, but the #Muslimban will take care of that. Even though French is not in the top ten, if we build a wall, then we can assure that it will never surpass English. As a former English teacher, Canadians frighten me. I don’t know about you, but their excessive use of “eh” and their mispronouncing every “o” really bothers me. What is that all about (or, aboot, if you are Canadian)? By building a wall, we will save not only the popularity of our language, but also the integrity of it.
Mr. President, we don’t have much time. They must be stopped. What if they are inspired by our southern wall and build their southern wall before we build our northern wall? What if they then put a 20% tax against and on all products made in the USA? We must build a wall before they do. Already, Tim Hortons has compromised our Dunkin’ Donuts all through the north. Furthermore, ketchup chips have infiltrated various convenience stores across the Midwest. And I fear the Canadian Mounties are rising. I have already seen their hats on many state troopers in the USA. As the great Paul Revere said, “The Redcoats are coming! The Redcoats are coming!”
Thank you for your time, Mr. President.